Get Educated Abusive Relationships Signs
The sooner we learn to recognize the warning signs, the quicker we can end a relationship before becoming trapped in an abusive situation. If you are already in a relationship and are wondering if it is abusive, please read on.The following is a list of behaviours that may indicate a potential abuser. However, this list does not mean that every person with some of these behaviours is an abusive person.
In the beginning of the relationship, the abuser is often very charming, romantic and loving. They come on strong and may claim love at first sight or say “I’ve never met anyone I wanted to be with forever, until you.” They want to be quickly engaged, married or moved in. They will pressure you to commit and will make you feel guilty if you want to slow the pace or end the relationship.
An abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love, but it is really a sign of insecurity. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to and who they spend time with. He will even become jealous of time spent with family and friends. They will often point out the flaws of other people and tell the victim they are a bad influence and that the victim should stop seeing them. Also, they may accuse the victim of flirting or having an affair, even with same sex friends. The abuser’s insecurity and lack of trust will lead them to check-up on the victim, call the victim repeatedly, drop by unexpectedly, ask friends to watch the victim, check the car mileage or refuse to let the victim work.
The abuser rules over the relationship and makes all the decisions. The abuser may say it is for the “safety” of the victim when in fact it is to control all aspects of the victim’s life. They may tell the victim what to wear, who to talk to and where to go. They will repeatedly check-up on the victim and may check their e-mail or website history. The abuser may also control the victim’s finances.
The abuser will isolate the victim in order to maintain control of their actions and to eliminate any contact with someone who may notice the relationship difficulties and try to offer the victim support. The abuser may block access to vehicles, telephones and may even stop them from going to work or school. The victim’s friends and family are also seen by the abuser as a threat so an attempt may also be made to cut communication with them. The abuser will tell the victim that these people are “trouble makers” and will focus on their negative traits.
This behaviour involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and harmful. This includes cursing or calling them names, putting down their accomplishments and embarrassing or humiliating the victim in front of others.
“Playful” Use of Force during Sex
The abuser may pressure their partner into having sex and may demand sex when their partner is ill or tired. This behaviour may also include holding down or restraining their partner during sex or wanting the victim to do things they do not want to do. The abuser may use sulking or anger to manipulate compliance and shows little to no interest in their partner’s feelings.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality
The abuser experiences severe mood swings. One minute they are charming and sweet and the next minute they are angry and explosive. The abuser uses force during arguments, such as pushing, shoving, holding the victim against a wall, holding them down or restraining them from leaving. Blocking a door or holding someone back in order to make demands, such as “you will listen to me!” is also a show of force.
Breaking or Striking Objects
This behaviour is used to terrorize the victim into submission and is used as a form of punishment. The abuser will break sentimental or prized possessions of the victim.
Threats of Violence
This consists of any threat of force meant to control the victim. Examples include: “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you if you leave.”
Blames Others for His Problems and Feelings
An abuser will blame others for all of their problems and shortcomings. “Someone” is always out to get the abuser and the victim will be blamed for almost anything. An abuser will also use his feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for are: “You hurt me when you don’t do what I want” or “I wouldn’t get so mad if you would just do what you are supposed to” or “you made me do it.”
An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack.
An abuser expects the victim to meet all of their needs and to take care of all things emotional and domestic.
Cruelty to Animals or Children
The abuser may punish animals brutally or act insensitive to their pain. The abuser may have unfair expectations of children (for example, spanking a one year old for wetting a diaper) or teasing children until they cry.
The abuser has a history of abuse and if they admit it to you, they say their previous partner provoked or lied about it. Circumstances do not make a person abusive. The victim may feel if they love the abuser enough they will not be abused, but this is not true. An abuser will beat any partner if they are involved long enough for the violence to begin.
Rigid Sex Roles
The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. The man is seen as the “master of his castle” and the woman is responsible for menial tasks and household duties. She is not seen as an equal.